A Cowboy meets an Indian herding sheep in the Black Hills.

Cowboy: “Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?”

Indian: “Dog don’t talk.”

Cowboy: “Hey dog, how’s it going?”

Dog: “Doin’ all right.”

Indian: (Look of shock!)

Cowboy: “Is this Indian your owner?” (pointing at the Indian)

Dog: “Yep.”

Cowboy: “How does he treat you?”

Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”

Indian: (Look of total disbelief)

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”

Indian: “Horse no talk.”

Cowboy: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”

Horse: “Cool.”

Indian: (Extreme look of shock!)

Cowboy: “Is this your owner?” (pointing to the Indian)

Horse: “Yep.”

Cowboy: “How’s he treat you?”

Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking, he rides me, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a lean-to to protect me from the elements.”

Indian: (Look of total amazement)

Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”

Indian: “Sheep lie.”

Q: How does a crazy person travel through the woods?

A: They take the psycho path.

Roger goes into a barber shop, sits down in the chair and has his hair cut.

When the barber finishes, Roger gets up, but as he’s pulling out his wallet, the barber goes to take a leak in the corner of the room, then zips up and walks back over.

Handing the barber a $20 bill, Roger says, “It’s none of my business, but why did you just urinate in the corner of your own shop?”

The barber says, “My lease runs out in a week. What do I care?”

The barber goes to the register to get Roger his change. When he comes back, he finds Roger squatting in the corner, dropping a deuce.

“What the hell are you doing?” the barber yells.

“Hey,” Roger says, “I’m leaving now.”

Hillary Clinton died and, Lord knows why, went to heaven. St. Peter approached her and says “Hillary, I know you’re ’somebody’ down on Earth, but up here, you’re just another person. And, I’m swamped right now, so have a seat and I’ll get back with you as soon as I can.”

So Hillary sits down and begins looking at her surroundings. She notices a huge wall that extends as far as the eye can see. And on that wall there are millions and millions of clocks. She can’t help notice that on occasion some of the clocks jump ahead fifteen minutes.

When St. Peter returns she asks “What’s the deal with the clocks?”

St. Peter replies “There is a clock on the wall for every married man on Earth.”

Hillary asks, “Well what does it mean when the clock jumps ahead 15 minutes?”

St. Peter replies, “That means that the man that belongs to that clock has just committed adultery.”

Hillary asks, “Well, is my husband’s clock on the wall?”

St. Peter replies, “Of course not. God has it in his office and is using it for an electric fan.”

A preacher is buying a parrot.

“Are you sure it doesn’t scream, yell, or swear?” asked the preacher.

“Oh absolutely. It’s a religious parrot,” the storekeeper assures him.

“Do you see those strings on his legs? When you pull the right one, he recites the lord’s prayer, and when you pull on the left he recites the 23rd Psalm.”

“Wonderful!” says the preacher, “but what happens if you pull both strings?”

“I fall off my perch, you stupid fool!” screeched the parrot.

There was a man who was fed up with modern society, and decided to become a Monk. He checked out a number ofmonasteries and chose one he liked. The only reservation he had with it was, he had to take a vow of silence and couldonly say two words every one year. He took the vow and beganhis first year of service without saying a word.

At the end of one long year he was brought before the head of the monastery and was asked what two words he would liketo say. His response was “FOOD BAD.”

And that was it for another long year, until he was once again allowed to say another two words. After two years of service he was brought before the head of the monastery and was asked what two words he would like to say. His response was: “MORE BLANKETS.”

And that was it for another long year, until he was once again allowed to say another two words. After three years of service he was brought before the head of the monastery and asked what two words he would like to say. His response was: “I QUIT!”

The head Monk answered back: “You might as well. You have done nothing but complain since you have been here!”

A sad-faced Doug walked into a flower shop early one morning.

The clerk was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, based on the look on Doug’s face, but soon realized his assumption was wrong as Doug asked for a basket of flowers sent to his wife for their anniversary.

“And what day will that be?” the clerk asked.

Glumly he replied, “Yesterday”.

Q: What does a red neck call the phone company?

A: Taco Bell!