JokesKafe - Hilarious Funny Jokes

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. 

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. 

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!” 

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.” 

The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!”

(6 votes, average: 4.5 out of 5)

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Q:What do a rooster and a blond have in common?
A:The rooster says “cockoldoodledoo” and the blond says,” any cock ull do”

(6 votes, average: 4.33 out of 5)

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One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.

The first nun said, “Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.”

He asked how.

She said “I saw a man’s private part.” He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.

The second nun comes in and says, “Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.”

He asked how.

“I touched a man’s private parts.” He told her to wash her hands in holy water.

Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.

The fourth nun said, “I’m not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it.”

(9 votes, average: 4.78 out of 5)

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3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, “However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven”.

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, “I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her”. So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

The next man comes up and says, “I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her.” He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.

The next guy came up and said, “I cheated on my wife alot”. He gets a scooter.

Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.

He asked, “Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!” and the man sobbed, “My wife just went by on roller skates”.

(6 votes, average: 3.83 out of 5)

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One night a man and woman went to his house to have sex when he stopped her to say “I still live with my parents and me and my brother share bunk beds so if you want to change positions say “lettuce” and if you want to go faster say “tomatos”

So they were getting it on and she was screaming “lettuce, lettuce, tomatos, lettuce, tomatos, tomatos”

Suddenly the younger brother (on the bottom bunk) said

“Could you stop making sandwiches your getting mayonase on me”!

(13 votes, average: 2.92 out of 5)

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There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn’t afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said “We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married”.

So they got married and all three daughters then said “I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it”. The parents couldn’t afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.

So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.

The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter “Why were you screaming?”. And the daughter replied “Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt.”

Then the mother said to the second daughter “Why were you laughing last night?” and the daughter replied “Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled”.

Then the mother said to the last daughter “Why didn’t I hear anything coming from your room last night?” and the daughter replied “Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full”.

(13 votes, average: 4 out of 5)

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A women was pregnant with triplets.

One day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. She gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.

She goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right, one day the bullets will come out.

So 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says “MOM, MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHROOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!” So the mother tells her the story.

The next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, “MOM, I WAS GOING TO THE BATHOOM AND A BULLET CAME OUT!”

On the third day the son comes out and says “MOM, MOM!” she goes “Let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?” he replies “No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!”

(17 votes, average: 4.47 out of 5)

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Why do men need viagra to sit at a computer?
To prevent the popup blocker.

by Nicola Lim

(27 votes, average: 2.37 out of 5)

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Who makes more money? a crack dealer or a prostitute?
A prostitute… because she can always wash her crack and resell it.

(30 votes, average: 4.43 out of 5)

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A rabbi and a preist walk into air port, and wanted to get some tickets to go to pittsburgh for a church event. So wile the priest waited on a bench the rabbi went to go and get the tickets. when he walked up to the counder, the woman waiting at the counter happened to have huge jugs. the rabbi started to get very nervious and when the woman said “can i help you sir?” he couln’t say anything. fainally he said “c-c-could i-i-i g-get two pickets to titsburgh???” after he realized what he said he felt horrible, so when he went back, the priest asked where the tickets were. after telling the priest what had happened and how horrible he felt the priest said “it’s ok, everyone gets nurvious sometimes, just sit here on this becnch and i will get the tickets.” so then the priest went up he asked the women very calmly “could i please get two tickets to pittsburgh?” after geting his tickets she said “that will be 47 dollars sir” so the priest gave her a fifty dollar bill. after this he said “oh, could you please give me my change in nipples and dimes?”

(23 votes, average: 3.61 out of 5)

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George Bush has started an ill-timed and disastrous war under false pretenses by lying to the American people and to the Congress; he has run a budget surplus into a severe deficit; he has consistently and unconscionably favored the wealthy and corporations over the rights and needs of the population; he has destroyed trust and confidence in, and good will toward, the United States around the globe; he has ignored global warming, to the world’s detriment; he has wantonly broken our treaty obligations; he has condoned torture of prisoners; he has attempted to create a theocracy in the United States; he has appointed incompetent cronies to positions of vital national importance.

Now, would someone please give him a blow job so we can impeach him?

(22 votes, average: 2.59 out of 5)

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John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

“Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”

“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”

“He’s an asshole,” John said. “Piss on him.”

“You did,” came the reply. “And he fired you.”

“Well, screw him!” said John.

“I did. You`re back at work on Monday.

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