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PACHYDERMIC PERSONNEL PREDICTION by Peter C. Olsen A bold new proposal for matching high-technology people and professions

Over the years, the problem of finding the right person for the right job has consumed thousands of worker-years of research and millions of dollars in funding. This is particularly true for high-technology organizations where talent is scarce and expensive. Recently, however, years of detailed study by the finest minds in the field of psychoindustrial interpersonnel optimization have resulted in the development of a simple and foolproof test to determine the best match between personality and profession. Now, at last, people can be infallibly assigned to the jobs for which they are truly best suited. The procedure is simple: Each subject is sent to Africa to hunt elephants. The subsequent elephant-hunting behavior is then categorized by comparison to the classification rules outlined below. The subject should be assigned to the general job classification that best matches the observed behavior.

CLASSIFICATION GUIDELINES

Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left. Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to step 1 as a subordinate exercise. Professors of mathematics will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for their graduate students.

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(3 votes, average: 1.67 out of 5)

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More than three hundred parrots were rescued after Belarus border patrol intercepted a man who tried to smuggle the exotic birds out of the country onboard his bike. Border guards claim they intercepted the man just outside the border of Ukraine. However, the still unidentified would-be-smuggler jumped out of his bike and fled to a nearby forest when the border guards tried stopping him.

(8 votes, average: 1.5 out of 5)

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A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.”OK, follow me” he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. “Now, do you see that tree over there?” he asked. “Yes, Yes, Yes!” the bats all screamed in a frenzy. “Good” said the bat, “Because I sure as hell didn’t!”

(6 votes, average: 3.5 out of 5)

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1. It’s not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m.

2. It’s wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her.

3. He shouldn’t jump on your bed when he’s sopping wet.

4. The cats have every right to be in the living room.

5. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid

6. Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk

7. Just because I’m eating, doesn’t mean you can.

8. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I’m not going to give in and feed you. NOT NOT NOT. Oh, ok, just this once.

9. No, it’s my food….Oh alright then, just a small piece.

(9 votes, average: 3.11 out of 5)

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Two ROBINS were lying on their backs, BASKING in the sun. A mama cat and her kitten were walking by. The kitten complained, “Mama, I’m sooo hungry, what can we eat?”

To which the mama cat, spying the two robins, replied, “How about some Baskin Robbins?”

(15 votes, average: 2.67 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Health, Beauty, Lingerie, Sex Advice

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. “Oh, please excuse me!” said the bunny. “I didn’t mean to trip over you, but I’m blind and can’t see.”

“That’s perfectly all right,” replied the snake. “To be sure, it was my fault. I didn’t mean to trip you, but I’m blind too, and I didn’t see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?”

Well, I really don’t know,” said the bunny. “I’m blind, and I’ve never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.”

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(15 votes, average: 3.13 out of 5)

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How Dogs and Man are the Same

Both take up too much space on the bed
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning
Both are threatened by their own kind
Both mark their territory
Both are bad at asking you questions
Neither tells you what is bothering them
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous
Neither does dishes
Neither of them notice when you get your hair done
Both like dominance games
Both are suspicious of the postman
Neither know how to talk on the phone
Neither understands what you see in cats

How Dogs are Better Than Man

Dogs do not have a problem expressing affection in public
Dogs miss you when you are gone
Dogs feel guilty when they have done something wrong
Dogs don’t criticize your friends
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out
Dogs don’t play games with you - except fetch (and they never laugh at the way you throw)
Dogs don’t feel threatened by your intelligence
You can train a dog
Dogs are easy to buy for
You are never suspicious of a dog’s dreams
Dogs understand what NO means
Dogs understand if some of their friends can’t come inside
Middle aged dogs don’t feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner
Dogs admit it when they’re lost
Dogs are color blind
Dogs aren’t threatened if you earn more money than they do
Dogs mean it when they kiss you

Where Men are Better Than Dogs

Men only have two feet that track in mud
Men can buy you presents
Men don’t have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block
Men are a little bit more subtle
Men don’t hike their leg to pee on every post they pass
Men don’t eat turds on the sly
Dogs have dog breath all the time
Men can do math
Men don’t shed as much, and if they do, they hide it

(5 votes, average: 2.2 out of 5)

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A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog.

“This is a talking dog,” he said. “And you can have him for five dollars.”

The neighbor said, “Who do you think you’re kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain’t no such animal!”

Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes.

“Please buy me, sir,” he pleaded. “This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk and I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times.”

“Hey!” said the neighbor. “He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?”

“Because,” said the seller, “I’m getting tired of all his lies!”

(2 votes, average: 3 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Funny Home Videos

Four men, an Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist and a Government Worker were bragging about how smart their dogs were.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog and said, “T-Square, do your stuff.”

T- square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, “Slide Rule, do your stuff.”

Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, “Measure, do your stuff.”

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, “What can your dog do?”

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.”

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, molested the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker’s Compensation and went home on sick leave.

(6 votes, average: 3.5 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Funny Home Videos

Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl.

The first man said, “I think it’s WOOMB.” The second replied, “No, it must be WOOOOMBH.” The third said, “You both have it wrong — it’s WOOM.” The fourth stated, “No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB.”

At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said, “Look, you hayseeds, it’s WOMB. That’s it, that’s all there is to it.” Then she left.

Eventually, one of the farmers broke the silence by saying, “Well, I don’t know. A slip of a girl like that, I don’t see how she could know. I’ll bet she’s never even heard an elephant fart!”

(6 votes, average: 3.83 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Funny Home Videos

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”

“HellOOOOOOO,” answered the blonde. “They’re watch dogs!”

(8 votes, average: 4.5 out of 5)

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There once was a nonconformist bird that decided not to fly south for the winter. He said “I’ve had enough of this flying south every winter, I’ll just stay right here on this farm, what’s the big deal, anyway?”

So he stayed. Winter came and was very cold, the nonconformist bird had never felt such cold weather and was afraid that he might freeze to death. Realizing he had made a big mistake by staying, he headed to a near by barn for shelter. On his way to the barn it began to snow. The poor bird was cold, tired and hungry. “Why did I stay?” he asked himself as he collapsed on the ground. As he lay there covered by the snow, a cow happened by. The cow, feeling the need to relieve himself, crapped right on the bird. At first being angry the bird said, “Who did this horrible thing to me, how dare someone crap on me, I’ll get him for this!” The crap was too heavy for him to free himself. But, after a while the crap began to warm him and he forgot all about his anger. In fact he was so warm that he began to sing. A buzzard passing overheard the singing and went down to investigate. As he cleared away the crap to his delight he found the bird. The bird was so happy to be free from the crap that he thanked the buzzard, who then decided to eat the little bird.

The moral of this story: Just because someone craps on you, it does not make them your enemy, and just because someone gets you out of the crap, it does not make them your friend.