JokesKafe - Hilarious Funny Jokes

Q:What do a rooster and a blond have in common?
A:The rooster says “cockoldoodledoo” and the blond says,” any cock ull do”

(6 votes, average: 4.33 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Health, Beauty, Lingerie, Sex Advice

The Italian says, “When I’ve a finisheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her kneesa, she floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy”.

 The Frenchman replies, “Zat is nothing, when Ah ‘ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy”.

 The Aussie says, “Mate, that’s nothing. When I’ve finished shaggin me sheila, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe me di*ck on the curtains. And MATE ….. She hits the fu*cking roof. GO THE AUSSIES

(12 votes, average: 3.83 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Health, Beauty, Lingerie, Sex Advice

Each Sunday, Mr and Mrs Jones go to their local church for a service, but recently, Mr Jones has been falling alseep and snoring throughout. So, after one particularly embarrassing day, Mrs Jones went to see the vicar.
Mrs Jones: Vicar, can you help me? My husband keeps falling asleep during your services and it’s really embarrassing.
Vicar: Okay, take this hat-pin and when I see him fall asleep, I’ll nod to you and you stick it in his leg.
So Mrs Jones thanks him, wakes her husband in the pews and they go home.

Next Sunday, ten minutes into his sermon, the vicar spots Mr Jones alseep. So he says,
Vicar: And who is our Saviour?
And he nods purposefully at her. So Mrs Jones stick the pin in his leg and he wakes up and shouts,
Mr Jones: Jesus!
Vicar: Yes, Jesus is our Saviour.

Five minutes later, Mr Jones falls asleep again, so the vicar spots this and says to the congregation,
Vicar: And who is our Forgiver?
And again he nods purposefully at Mrs Jones who sticks the pin in her husband’s leg, who shouts,
Mr Jones: God!
Vicar: Yes, God is our Forgiver.

So then, during his long service, the vicar begins to really get into what he’s saying, so he starts to nod accidentally. Therefore, Mr Jones is getting poked in the leg for no reason. Right at the end of ther service, the vicar is really getting going and he says,
Vicar: And what did Eve say to Adam when she bore his 99th child?
And he accidentally nods, so Mrs Jones sticks the pin in her husband’s leg and he says,
Mr Jones: If you stick that in me one more time, I’ll turn it around and shove it up your arse!
Congregation: Amen!

(6 votes, average: 4.67 out of 5)

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What is the difference between a blonde and “The Titanic”?

They know how many men went down on “The Titanic”

(10 votes, average: 3.7 out of 5)

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There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn’t afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said “We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married”.

So they got married and all three daughters then said “I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it”. The parents couldn’t afford it either so they deiced they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.

So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and deiced to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she juts ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and deiced 2 ignore it.

The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter “Why were you screaming?”. And the daughter replied “Well mother you told me 2 scream when something hurt.”

Then the mother said to the second daughter “Why were you laughing last night?” and the daughter replied “Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled”.

Then the mother said to the last daughter “Why didn’t I hear anything coming from your room last night?” and the daughter replied “Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full”.

(13 votes, average: 4 out of 5)

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Two fireman are butt-fuckin in a smoke filled room.

The chief bursts through the door and yells” Oh my god!!! What the fuck are you doing?!?!” “Didn’t you try mouth-to-mouth?!?!”

One fireman looks up with a smile and says “Yeah, How do you think this all got started!”

Joke Submitted by Anthony Gurrieri

(24 votes, average: 2.04 out of 5)

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An attractive lady from Seattle was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. A local on horseback came along and offered her a ride to the nearest town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was pretty uneventful except that every few minutes the guy would let out a “Whoop” so loud that it would echo from the surrounding hills. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final “Yahoo” and rode off.

“Hey, what did you do to get him so fired up?” asked the service station attendant.

“Nothing,” shrugged the woman, I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto his saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.

“Lady,” the attendant said, “that guy was riding bareback …”

(18 votes, average: 3.44 out of 5)

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Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year old secretary. I`ll be home before midnight.

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year old pool boy. Since you are an accountant, you will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore don’t wait up. Your Wife.

Joke Sponsored by Humor Directory

(15 votes, average: 3.8 out of 5)

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As the priest was leaving his church after the service, he accidentally bumped a gorgeous blonde parishioner, knocking her left tit with his elbow.

“I’m so sorry,” the priest gushed. Then after a moment of hesitation added, “But I’m sure that if your heart is as soft as your breast, there’s a place for you in heaven.”

“Well,” said the blonde, “if your cock’s as hard as your elbow, we should go into those bushes and fuck!”

(19 votes, average: 2.95 out of 5)

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10. You can usually find someone to do it with.

9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.

8. You can finish early without feelings of guilt or shame.

7. When you open a book, you don’t have to worry about who else has opened it.

6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.

5. If you don’t finish a chapter you won’t gain a reputation as a “book teaser.”
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(13 votes, average: 3.23 out of 5)

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John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

“Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”

“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”

“He’s an asshole,” John said. “Piss on him.”

“You did,” came the reply. “And he fired you.”

“Well, screw him!” said John.

“I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”

(10 votes, average: 4.4 out of 5)

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1. But everybody looks funny naked!

2. You woke me up for that?

3. Did I mention the video camera?

4. Do you smell something burning?

5. (In a janitor’s closet) And they say romance is dead…

6. Try breathing through your nose.

7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone!

8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
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