JokesKafe - Hilarious Funny Jokes

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the  other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we  used to enjoy together.  

I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d be interested in  meeting up and re-kindling a little of that “magic. “”Wow!” I said. “I don’t  know if I could keep pace with you now.  I’m a bit older and a bit balder  than when you last saw me.” She just giggled and said she was sure I’d “rise” to the  challenge.  

“Yeah” I said, “Just so long as you don’t mind a man with a  waistline that’s a few inches wider these  days!”  She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.  She  teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I would still  be a great lover.  Anyway, she giggled, “I’ve put on a few pounds myself!” 

So I told her to fuck off.  

(3 votes, average: 1.33 out of 5)

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A blonde, a brunette and a red head are sipping tea and discussing their pregnancies.

The brunette says, “My baby’s going to be a boy.” The blonde asks, “How do you know?” The brunette says, “Because when we did it, my husband was on top.”

The red head then says, “My baby’s going to be a girl.” The blonde asks, “How do you know?” The red head says, “Because when we did it, I was on top.”

The blonde starts crying hysterically. When her friends finally calm her down, they ask her why she was crying. The blonde says, “My baby’s going to be a puppy.”

(5 votes, average: 4.2 out of 5)

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A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp.  He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!

The genie said, “OK.  You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes.  So you can forget about getting three wishes.  You only get one wish.

The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile.  Then he said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick.   Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?”

The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible!  Think of the logistics of that!   How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?  Think of how much concrete… how much steel…!  No. Think of another wish.”

The man tried to think of another wish.  Finally, he said, “I’ve been married and divorced several times.  My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive.  So I wish that I could understand women… know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment…know why they’re crying…know what they really want when they say, ‘Nothing’…know how to make them truly happy….”

The genie said, “You want that bridge two lanes or four?”

(6 votes, average: 3.5 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Health, Beauty, Lingerie, Sex Advice

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in Mysterious ways.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So you’re a man and I’m a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There’s nothing left, but we’re unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we were supposed to meet and be friends for the rest of our days”.

Flattered, the man replies, “Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!”

The woman continues, “And look at this, here’s another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune.” Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle and immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

The woman replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the police…. ”

MORAL OF THE STORY: Women are clever, evil bitches

(21 votes, average: 4.81 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Health, Beauty, Lingerie, Sex Advice

The Italian says, “When I’ve a finisheda makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her kneesa, she floatsa 6 inches abovea da bed in ecstasy”.

 The Frenchman replies, “Zat is nothing, when Ah ‘ave finished making ze love with ze girlfriend, Ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy”.

 The Aussie says, “Mate, that’s nothing. When I’ve finished shaggin me sheila, I get out of bed, walk over to the window and wipe me di*ck on the curtains. And MATE ….. She hits the fu*cking roof. GO THE AUSSIES

(12 votes, average: 3.83 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Health, Beauty, Lingerie, Sex Advice

INSTALLING HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance — particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 , CFL 3.0, NHL/06 9.2 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

—————————————————————–
Dear Desperate:

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: “http: I Thought You Loved Me.html ” and try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

But re member, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.

These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might  consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck, Tech Support

(9 votes, average: 3.44 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Health, Beauty, Lingerie, Sex Advice

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. “Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says. “I’m moving to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.”

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. “Where do you think you going?” the wife asks. “I’m coming with you…I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!”

(2 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Health, Beauty, Lingerie, Sex Advice

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp.  He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!

The genie said, “OK.  You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes.  So you can forget about getting three wishes.  You only get one wish.

The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile.  Then he said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick.   Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?”

The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible!  Think of the logistics of that!   How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?  Think of how much concrete… how much steel…!  No. Think of another wish.”

The man tried to think of another wish.  Finally, he said, “I’ve been married and divorced several times.  My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive.  So I wish that I could understand women… know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment…know why they’re crying…know what they really want when they say, ‘Nothing’…know how to make them truly happy….”

The genie said, “You want that bridge two lanes or four?”

(2 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Health, Beauty, Lingerie, Sex Advice

Once there were twin brothers by the name of John and Joe Jones. John Jones was had been married until recently, and Joe Jones had always been single. The single brother Joe was the owner of an old dilapidated row boat he loved. It happened that both John and Joe lost the love of their life one fateful day. John Jone’s wife died then the same day that Joe’s rowboat filled with water and sank.

A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe, (The boat owner who had already gotten over his loss and bought a new boat) mistook him for John said; “Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible”.

Joe smiled, not realizing she was talking about John’s wife and said, “Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn’t so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle!”

(4 votes, average: 4.75 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Health, Beauty, Lingerie, Sex Advice

This recovering alcoholic is down town to pick up his income tax return. He passes by a bar and turns to go inside. He stops and thinks to himself “If I go in here and get drunk, my wife will leave me”. He makes a promise to himself to only have a couple beers and then leave. Well he goes in and gets wasted. As he sits at the bar, he pukes down the front of his shirt. Immediately he breaks out into tears sobbing “My wife is going to leave me. I’m just a miserable old drunk and now I’m going to die alone”. The guy sitting next to him turns and says to the drunk guy “It’s not that bad. You can get out of this.” The drunk looks at him and asks how in the world is he going to get out of this? The guy says “Take a $5 bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell her you had a couple beers and a guy puked on you.

Tell her that the $5 was given to you to pay for the shirt.” The drunk guy looks disbelievingly at him and says “That just might work. You are a saint. Thank you.” The drunk guys goes straight home. When he walks through the front door, his wife is waiting for him and she is irate. She takes one look at him and screams “I can’t believe it. You’re drunk. I warned you but you just don’t care. I’m moving out.” The drunk says “Stop honey. Let me explain. True I did have a couple beers but I’m not drunk.” She says ” Look at you… you puked down the front of your shirt.” He says “I didn’t do this. A drunk guy next to me puked on me. He put a $5 bill in my shirt pocket to pay for the shirt. You can see for yourself” She reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money. She looks at it, then to him and says “This is a $10 bill” He looks at her and says “Oh I forgot. He shit my pants too”.

(5 votes, average: 3.4 out of 5)

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Question: What is the difference between men and puppies?
Answer: Puppies grow up.

Question: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces?
Answer: Because they are…

Question: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
Answer: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them
forever.

Question: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one
would hit the ground first?
Answer: Who cares?????

Question: What did God say after he created man?
Answer: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.

Question: What’s the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO?
Answer: I don’t know, I’ve never seen either.
Read the rest of this joke…

(13 votes, average: 2.54 out of 5)

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10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They’ll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
3. The lights are on but nobody`s home.
2. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
1. Size does matter