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A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud “thud”, and then he would swerve back on the road.

As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?”

The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.

“I’ll give you a lift.”

The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “thud.” Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer.”

The priest replied, “That’s OK, I got him with the door.”

(16 votes, average: 4.63 out of 5)

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A Mafia Godfather finds out that one of his underlings has screwed him out of ten million bucks. This underling happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather asks the underling, “Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?”

The attorney, using sign language, asks the underling where the 10 million dollars is hidden.

The underling signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The attorney tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.”

That’s when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the underling’s temple, cocks it and says, “Ask him again!”

The attorney signs to the underling, “He’ll kill you for sure if you don’t tell him!”

The underling signs back: “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard in Queens!”

The Godfather asks the attorney, “Well, what’d he say?” The attorney replies, “He says you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”

(6 votes, average: 4.83 out of 5)

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A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick: “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.”

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. “But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt, I saw all of you stare at the door.”

The jury foreman replied: “Oh, we looked, but your client didn’t.”

(7 votes, average: 3.86 out of 5)

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A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, “Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.”

“Because,” the man says, “I live in a two-story house.”

The Judge replies, “What kind of a reason is that! What’s the big deal about a two-story house?”

The man answers, “Well Judge, one story is…**I have a headache** and the other story is **It’s that time of the month!** “

(6 votes, average: 1.33 out of 5)

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While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two five-year-old boys were getting acquainted.

“My name is Joshua. What’s yours?” asked the first boy.

“Adam,” replied the second.

“My daddy is a doctor. What does your daddy do for a living?” asked Joshua.

Adam proudly replied, “My daddy is a lawyer.”

“Honest?” asked Joshua.

“No, just the regular kind,” replied Adam.

(5 votes, average: 4.6 out of 5)

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A lawyer and two friends–a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man–had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, “There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn.”
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(11 votes, average: 3.27 out of 5)

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A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick.

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!”
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(2 votes, average: 3 out of 5)

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Two physicians board a flight out of Seattle. One sits in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an attorney sits in the seat by the aisle. The lawyer kicks off his shoes, wiggle his toes, and starts to settle in, when the physician in the window seat says, “I think I’ll get up and get a coke.”

“No problem,” says the attorney, “I’m by the aisle. I’ll get it for you.”
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(11 votes, average: 4.55 out of 5)

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Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis — does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
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(10 votes, average: 4.3 out of 5)

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Four doctors who hadn’t seen each other since their surgical residencies met at a medical seminar. Adjourning for dinner and drinks, they turned their conversation to who makes the best surgical patients:

The first said, for sure, electrical engineers. “You open ‘em up,” he contended, “and everything is color-coded.”
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(2 votes, average: 3 out of 5)

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A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, “I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I’m going to retrieve it.”

The old farmer replied, “This is my property, and you are not coming over here.”

The indignant lawyer said, “I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.”
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(4 votes, average: 4.5 out of 5)

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A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”

“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”
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