How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity:
At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
Insist that your email address is: Xena_Warrior_Princess@companyname.com or Elvis_the_King@companyname.com
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if [...]

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Things to do on an Elevator:
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: ‘Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!’
Whistle the first seven notes of ‘It’s a Small World’ incessantly.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: ‘Got enough air in there?’
Offer nametags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear [...]

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1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order [...]

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Here are the twenty five best responses if found asleep at your desk:
25. "Oh, Man! Come in at 6 in the morning and look what happens!"
24. "This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
23. "This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"
22. "You don’t discriminate [...]

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The Computer belongs to a Redneck if……
1. The mouse is referred to as a critter.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-Rom drive.
4. There is a gunrack mounted to the CPU.
5. The password is "Bubba."
6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
7. Outgoing faxes have beer stains on them.
8. [...]

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1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you.
2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp.
3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat.
4. The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for [...]

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-Well how ’bout that? I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.
-You know Pumpkin, now that you’re thirteen, you’ll be ready for non-chaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?
-I noticed that all your friends have a certain “up yours” attitude. I like that in a young person!
-Here’s a credit card and [...]

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10. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
9. A better model is always just around the corner.
8. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
7. It is always necessary to have a backup.
6. They’ll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
5. The best part of having either [...]

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