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A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. 

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. 

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on in!” 

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had no idea you were this religious.” 

The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!”

(6 votes, average: 4.5 out of 5)

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A truck driver amused himself by running over lawyers as they walked down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. There would be a loud “thud”, and then he would swerve back on the road.

As the truck driver drove along one day, he saw a priest hitch hiking, he pulled over and asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?”

The priest said he was on his way to his church up the road.

“I’ll give you a lift.”

The priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. At the last minute, he remembered he had a priest in the truck and swerved back onto the road. Even though he knew he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “thud.” Unsure of where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors. When he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry, Father. I almost hit a lawyer.”

The priest replied, “That’s OK, I got him with the door.”

(16 votes, average: 4.63 out of 5)

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There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel. He got to his room and opened up the Gideon’s Bible to page 1, then called the front desk and asked the hat check girl to come up to his room for dinner.

After a while he started making passes, she stopped him and reminded him he was a holy man.

“It’s OK,” he replied, “it’s written in the Bible.”

So after a wild night of sex, the hat check girl asked to see where in the Bible it says it’s okay to have wild, passionate sex.

The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the first page where someone had written in pencil:

“The hat check girl puts out!”

(10 votes, average: 2.6 out of 5)

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(14 votes, average: 4.36 out of 5)

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Each Sunday, Mr and Mrs Jones go to their local church for a service, but recently, Mr Jones has been falling alseep and snoring throughout. So, after one particularly embarrassing day, Mrs Jones went to see the vicar.
Mrs Jones: Vicar, can you help me? My husband keeps falling asleep during your services and it’s really embarrassing.
Vicar: Okay, take this hat-pin and when I see him fall asleep, I’ll nod to you and you stick it in his leg.
So Mrs Jones thanks him, wakes her husband in the pews and they go home.

Next Sunday, ten minutes into his sermon, the vicar spots Mr Jones alseep. So he says,
Vicar: And who is our Saviour?
And he nods purposefully at her. So Mrs Jones stick the pin in his leg and he wakes up and shouts,
Mr Jones: Jesus!
Vicar: Yes, Jesus is our Saviour.

Five minutes later, Mr Jones falls asleep again, so the vicar spots this and says to the congregation,
Vicar: And who is our Forgiver?
And again he nods purposefully at Mrs Jones who sticks the pin in her husband’s leg, who shouts,
Mr Jones: God!
Vicar: Yes, God is our Forgiver.

So then, during his long service, the vicar begins to really get into what he’s saying, so he starts to nod accidentally. Therefore, Mr Jones is getting poked in the leg for no reason. Right at the end of ther service, the vicar is really getting going and he says,
Vicar: And what did Eve say to Adam when she bore his 99th child?
And he accidentally nods, so Mrs Jones sticks the pin in her husband’s leg and he says,
Mr Jones: If you stick that in me one more time, I’ll turn it around and shove it up your arse!
Congregation: Amen!

(6 votes, average: 4.67 out of 5)

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One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.

The first nun said, “Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.”

He asked how.

She said “I saw a man’s private part.” He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.

The second nun comes in and says, “Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.”

He asked how.

“I touched a man’s private parts.” He told her to wash her hands in holy water.

Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.

The fourth nun said, “I’m not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it.”

(9 votes, average: 4.78 out of 5)

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A rabbi and a preist walk into air port, and wanted to get some tickets to go to pittsburgh for a church event. So wile the priest waited on a bench the rabbi went to go and get the tickets. when he walked up to the counder, the woman waiting at the counter happened to have huge jugs. the rabbi started to get very nervious and when the woman said “can i help you sir?” he couln’t say anything. fainally he said “c-c-could i-i-i g-get two pickets to titsburgh???” after he realized what he said he felt horrible, so when he went back, the priest asked where the tickets were. after telling the priest what had happened and how horrible he felt the priest said “it’s ok, everyone gets nurvious sometimes, just sit here on this becnch and i will get the tickets.” so then the priest went up he asked the women very calmly “could i please get two tickets to pittsburgh?” after geting his tickets she said “that will be 47 dollars sir” so the priest gave her a fifty dollar bill. after this he said “oh, could you please give me my change in nipples and dimes?”

(23 votes, average: 3.61 out of 5)

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A lawyer and two friends–a Rabbi, and a Hindu holy man–had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, “There might be a problem. You see, I only have room for two to sleep in the house. So one of you must sleep in the barn.”
Read the rest of this joke…

(11 votes, average: 3.27 out of 5)

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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car.
“I’ll make a deal with you,” said his father. “You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut, and then we’ll talk.”

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

“Son, I’m real proud of you. You’ve brought your grades up and you’ve studied your Bible, but you didn’t get hair cut!”

“You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”

“Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!”

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(8 votes, average: 4.75 out of 5)

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As the priest was leaving his church after the service, he accidentally bumped a gorgeous blonde parishioner, knocking her left tit with his elbow.

“I’m so sorry,” the priest gushed. Then after a moment of hesitation added, “But I’m sure that if your heart is as soft as your breast, there’s a place for you in heaven.”

“Well,” said the blonde, “if your cock’s as hard as your elbow, we should go into those bushes and fuck!”

(19 votes, average: 2.95 out of 5)

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A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down in the Confessional and said nothing. The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting.

The priest coughs to attract the drunk man’s attention, but still the man says nothing.

The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak.

Finally the drunk replies, “No use knockin,’ pal. There’s no paper.”

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