JokesKafe - Hilarious Funny Jokes

Joke Sponsored by Sports Obsessed

A guy about to tee off was approached by a man who held out a card that read, “I am a deaf mute. May I please play through?”
The first man gave the card back, angrily shaking his head, and saying, “No, you CANNOT play through.” He assumed the guy read lips so he mouthed, “I can’t believe you would try to use your handicap to your own advantage like that! Shame on you!”

The deaf man walked away and the first man whacked the ball onto the green and then walked off to finish the hole.

Just as he was about to put the ball into the hole he was hit in the head with a golf ball that knocked him out cold.

When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other hand holding up four fingers.

(12 votes, average: 2.25 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Sports Obsessed

There was an old man named Bill and one of the things he most enjoyed was playing golf with his old buddy Fred. His wife always commented on how happy he looked after a game. But one day he came home from their weekly game looking unhappy and very tired. His wife asked, “What’s the matter Bill? You always seem so happy after golf and you look miserable.”

Bill said, “Well, something terrible did happen. Fred had a heart attack on the first hole.”

“My God, honey!” said the wife, rushing to comfort him, “that must’ve been terrible!”

“It was,” he said, “all day long it was: hit the ball, drag Fred to the ball and then hit it again…”

(11 votes, average: 3.55 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Sports Obsessed

If two Dallas Cowboys are in a car. Who’s driving?
The cops.

(12 votes, average: 2.33 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Sports Obsessed

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived. Everything went quite well. As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, “Up Nuts”, and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, “Down Nuts”, and they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, “Cheer Nuts” They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, “Booooo Nuts” and they all started booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress.

Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked,” What in the world happened?” The assistant replied, “Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, “PEANUTS!”

(10 votes, average: 3.7 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Sports Obsessed

A golfer walks into the clubhouse of the local country club. He tells the golf pro behind the counter that he wants to do 18 and he is going to need a caddy. The golf pro informs him that the country club is running a promotion and if he tries out one of their experimental robot caddies, he can golf for free. The golfer agrees and takes out the robot. While on the golf course the robot caddy tells the golfer the wind speed, distance, even how hard to hit which club. He has the best game of his life.
The next time the golfer goes to the country club, he tells the golf pro that he wants to do 18 holes and that he wants to get one of the robot caddies.
He informs the golfer that they don’t have the robot caddies anymore. The golfer, all upset, tells him how great they were and asks him what happened.
The golf pro tells him that members were complaining that the sun would reflect of their metallic material and into their eyes.
The golfer asks him why they didn’t just paint the robots black?
The golf pro said that they did, but the next day, 3 of them didn’t show up and the other 3 robbed the pro shop.

(4 votes, average: 3 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Sports Obsessed

A man goes to the confessional. “Forgive me father, for I have sinned.”

“What is your sin, my child?” the priest asks back.

“Well,” the man starts, “I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible.”

“When did you do use this awful language?” said the priest.

“I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.”

“Is that when you swore?”

“No, Father.” Said the man. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.”

“Is THAT when you swore?” asked the priest again.

“Well, no,” said the man, “You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”

“Is THAT when you swore?” asked the amazed priest.

“No, not yet.” The man replied. “As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.”

“Did you swear THEN?” asked the now impatient priest.

“No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.”

“You missed the damn putt, didn’t you?” sighed the priest.

(6 votes, average: 4.67 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Sports Obsessed

Seems there was this nasty biker riding his Harley down the icy highway one cold day in Colorado, when he spotted a cat lying in the middle of the road. The biker thought to himself, “I’ll cut that cat in two,” and he bore down on it hard.
As he got closer, though, he suddenly realized that it was not a cat, but a large piece of metal lying in the road. Too late! His front wheel plowed into it and he was sent flying over the handlebars and onto the road at 80 MPH.
When he arrived in Hell, the person welcoming the new arrivals was the Devil himself. As the Devil shook the ex-biker’s hand, he asked mockingly, “So, how do you like it here?”
The bad-ass biker replied, “Man, this is one COOL place!”
The old Devil was just a little miffed at this upstart, so he decided to crank up the thermostat a notch. The next day, the Devil sought out the biker and asked, “So, how do you like it now?”
The biker responded by saying, “This is great! Reminds me of those drug runs to Sonora during the hot afternoons in August.”
Naturally, the Devil was only more angered, and cranked the heat up as far as it could go. The next day, Hell was unbelievable. Even some demons were melting into the floor. The Devil again found the biker, and asked how he was holding up. Undaunted, the biker proclaimed, “It’s almost as hot as the time I beat and robbed those vacationers out in Death Valley. I love it!”
By now the Devil was just furious, so he turned the thermostat all the way down. Way down! As far down as could ever be imagined. The next morning, he tracked down the biker again and asked, “OK smart-ass, how do you like it NOW?”
With icicles hanging from every part of his body, the biker shivered and chattered, “W-w-w-what h-h-hhappened, d-d-d-did the Jets f-f-finally w-w-win the Super Bowl?”

(3 votes, average: 3.67 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Sports Obsessed

Q: These days, what do you need to shoot to win a professional golf tournament?
A: Tiger Woods.

(3 votes, average: 3.67 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Sports Obsessed

15) After each caution, the car will run the opposite way … caution - clockwise - caution - counter clockwise - caution - clockwise … etc.

14) Earnhardt, Jr., has to drive with a passenger … preferably a sumo wrestler … for extra weight.

13) Potty pit stops during a half time.

12) No more champagne in Victory Lane. A special Jeff Gordon whine will be used.

11) The ‘wider is better’ Pontiac will be narrowed since NASCAR has discovered the reason Pontiac widened the car was to accommodate Tony Stewart’s ego.

10) Races will be shortened to 7 laps so Darrel Waltrip can finish on the lead lap on at least one of his final races.

9) There will be a 15 minute half time break so Benny Parson can get a snack … better make it a 30 minutes.

Cars with handicapped plates shall pit in specially marked blue pit stalls.

7) Depends Undergarments announced it will sponsor a car for the 2001 season. For the betterment of the sport, NASCAR forbids Dick Trickle to be named the driver.

6) To ward off an approaching sexual discrimination lawsuit, NASCAR mandates at least one member of each sexuality will be represented on each team … Male, Female and Kenny Irwin.

5) Top speed is out! The cars starting positions will depend on how pretty the car is. If it’s ugly they will vote on who gets provisionals, the ugliest car goes home.

4) To save the Inspectors time, Jeremy Mayfield’s car will automatically fail inspection each week and the team will be fined $25,000.

3) Mike Skinner will start backwards so when he spins he will be facing the right direction.

2) The winner of a race will be determined by who picked the winner in NASCAR ROCKS … if no one picked a winner, straws will be drawn … the straw draw also holds true for second on back.

1) Because of Political Correctness, no discrimination against the handicapped will be permitted. This shall be called the Kenny Irwin Rule.

(2 votes, average: 3 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Sports Obsessed

There once were two best friends named Bob and Earl. They were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives revolved around baseball. Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they examined every box score during the season. They went to over 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching a Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died a happy man.

A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob’s voice from beyond.

“Bob is that you?” Earl asked.

“Of course it me,” Bob replied.

“This is unbelievable!” Earl exclaimed, “So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?”

“Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?”

“Tell me the good news first.”

“Well, the good news is that there is baseball in heaven, Earl.”

“Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?”

“You’re pitching tomorrow night.”

(3 votes, average: 4.67 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Sports Obsessed

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and “splash” they’re all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where upon the head starts coughing and sputtering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: “Three years I’ve spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!”

(4 votes, average: 4.5 out of 5)

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