There was a man who was fed up with modern society, and decided to become a Monk. He checked out a number ofmonasteries and chose one he liked. The only reservation he had with it was, he had to take a vow of silence and couldonly say two words every one year. He took the vow and beganhis first year of service without saying a word.

At the end of one long year he was brought before the head of the monastery and was asked what two words he would liketo say. His response was “FOOD BAD.”

And that was it for another long year, until he was once again allowed to say another two words. After two years of service he was brought before the head of the monastery and was asked what two words he would like to say. His response was: “MORE BLANKETS.”

And that was it for another long year, until he was once again allowed to say another two words. After three years of service he was brought before the head of the monastery and asked what two words he would like to say. His response was: “I QUIT!”

The head Monk answered back: “You might as well. You have done nothing but complain since you have been here!”

A sad-faced Doug walked into a flower shop early one morning.

The clerk was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, based on the look on Doug’s face, but soon realized his assumption was wrong as Doug asked for a basket of flowers sent to his wife for their anniversary.

“And what day will that be?” the clerk asked.

Glumly he replied, “Yesterday”.

Q: What does a red neck call the phone company?

A: Taco Bell!

The complaint:

Ms.B.Haven;

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

The response:

Dear Penis;

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You must be stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

Sincerely,
The Management

Editted by Calamjo and Curtis

A woman named Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to Cedars Sinai hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw God and asked, “Is this it?”

God said, “No, you have another 30 to 40 years to live.”

Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a face lift, liposuction and breast augmentation. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it.

She walked out of Cedars Sinai lobby after the last operation and was killed by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital. She arrived in front of God and said, “I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years?”

God replied, “Shirley! I’m sorry but I didn’t recognize you!”

How To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity:

At lunchtime, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.

Insist that your email address is: Xena_Warrior_Princess@companyname.com or Elvis_the_King@companyname.com

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

In the memo field of all your checks, write ‘for sexual favors.’

Reply to everything someone says with, "That’s what you think."

Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophet Jimmy."

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After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, ''You wanna hear a blonde joke?'' The person replies, ''I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?''

The man thinks for a while and replies, ''Not if I have to explain it three times.''

Things to do on an Elevator:

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: ‘Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!’

Whistle the first seven notes of ‘It’s a Small World’ incessantly.

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: ‘Got enough air in there?’

Offer nametags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside down.

Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: ‘I’ve got new socks on!’

Meow occasionally.

Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

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