JokesKafe - Hilarious Funny Jokes

Joke Sponsored by Sports Obsessed

A man goes to the confessional. “Forgive me father, for I have sinned.”

“What is your sin, my child?” the priest asks back.

“Well,” the man starts, “I used some horrible language this week and I feel absolutely terrible.”

“When did you do use this awful language?” said the priest.

“I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.”

“Is that when you swore?”

“No, Father.” Said the man. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away.”

“Is THAT when you swore?” asked the priest again.

“Well, no,” said the man, “You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”

“Is THAT when you swore?” asked the amazed priest.

“No, not yet.” The man replied. “As the eagle carried the squirrel away in his claws, it flew towards the green. And as it passed over a bit of forest near the green, the squirrel dropped my ball.”

“Did you swear THEN?” asked the now impatient priest.

“No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced through some bushes, careened off a big rock, and rolled through a sand trap onto the green and stopped within six inches of the hole.”

“You missed the damn putt, didn’t you?” sighed the priest.

(9 votes, average: 4.78 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Sports Obsessed

Seems there was this nasty biker riding his Harley down the icy highway one cold day in Colorado, when he spotted a cat lying in the middle of the road. The biker thought to himself, “I’ll cut that cat in two,” and he bore down on it hard.
As he got closer, though, he suddenly realized that it was not a cat, but a large piece of metal lying in the road. Too late! His front wheel plowed into it and he was sent flying over the handlebars and onto the road at 80 MPH.
When he arrived in Hell, the person welcoming the new arrivals was the Devil himself. As the Devil shook the ex-biker’s hand, he asked mockingly, “So, how do you like it here?”
The bad-ass biker replied, “Man, this is one COOL place!”
The old Devil was just a little miffed at this upstart, so he decided to crank up the thermostat a notch. The next day, the Devil sought out the biker and asked, “So, how do you like it now?”
The biker responded by saying, “This is great! Reminds me of those drug runs to Sonora during the hot afternoons in August.”
Naturally, the Devil was only more angered, and cranked the heat up as far as it could go. The next day, Hell was unbelievable. Even some demons were melting into the floor. The Devil again found the biker, and asked how he was holding up. Undaunted, the biker proclaimed, “It’s almost as hot as the time I beat and robbed those vacationers out in Death Valley. I love it!”
By now the Devil was just furious, so he turned the thermostat all the way down. Way down! As far down as could ever be imagined. The next morning, he tracked down the biker again and asked, “OK smart-ass, how do you like it NOW?”
With icicles hanging from every part of his body, the biker shivered and chattered, “W-w-w-what h-h-hhappened, d-d-d-did the Jets f-f-finally w-w-win the Super Bowl?”

(4 votes, average: 3 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Health, Beauty, Lingerie, Sex Advice

Each Sunday, Mr and Mrs Jones go to their local church for a service, but recently, Mr Jones has been falling alseep and snoring throughout. So, after one particularly embarrassing day, Mrs Jones went to see the vicar.
Mrs Jones: Vicar, can you help me? My husband keeps falling asleep during your services and it’s really embarrassing.
Vicar: Okay, take this hat-pin and when I see him fall asleep, I’ll nod to you and you stick it in his leg.
So Mrs Jones thanks him, wakes her husband in the pews and they go home.

Next Sunday, ten minutes into his sermon, the vicar spots Mr Jones alseep. So he says,
Vicar: And who is our Saviour?
And he nods purposefully at her. So Mrs Jones stick the pin in his leg and he wakes up and shouts,
Mr Jones: Jesus!
Vicar: Yes, Jesus is our Saviour.

Five minutes later, Mr Jones falls asleep again, so the vicar spots this and says to the congregation,
Vicar: And who is our Forgiver?
And again he nods purposefully at Mrs Jones who sticks the pin in her husband’s leg, who shouts,
Mr Jones: God!
Vicar: Yes, God is our Forgiver.

So then, during his long service, the vicar begins to really get into what he’s saying, so he starts to nod accidentally. Therefore, Mr Jones is getting poked in the leg for no reason. Right at the end of ther service, the vicar is really getting going and he says,
Vicar: And what did Eve say to Adam when she bore his 99th child?
And he accidentally nods, so Mrs Jones sticks the pin in her husband’s leg and he says,
Mr Jones: If you stick that in me one more time, I’ll turn it around and shove it up your arse!
Congregation: Amen!

(7 votes, average: 4.71 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Sports Obsessed

Q: These days, what do you need to shoot to win a professional golf tournament?
A: Tiger Woods.

(4 votes, average: 3.25 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Health, Beauty, Lingerie, Sex Advice

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. “Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he says. “I’m moving to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free.”

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. “Where do you think you going?” the wife asks. “I’m coming with you…I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!”

(3 votes, average: 3.67 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Health, Beauty, Lingerie, Sex Advice

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.She explained, “I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today.”

The first student raised her hand to volunteer.

“Marcy,” the teacher said. “You may go first.”

Marcy replied, “My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny.”

The teacher said, “Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?”

Kevin stood up and announced, “My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie.”

“Very good,” the teacher told Kevin.

Jeff was next, and he said, “My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no…”

Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.

Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.

Johnny said, “My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell “accountant.”

(4 votes, average: 3 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Sports Obsessed

15) After each caution, the car will run the opposite way … caution - clockwise - caution - counter clockwise - caution - clockwise … etc.

14) Earnhardt, Jr., has to drive with a passenger … preferably a sumo wrestler … for extra weight.

13) Potty pit stops during a half time.

12) No more champagne in Victory Lane. A special Jeff Gordon whine will be used.

11) The ‘wider is better’ Pontiac will be narrowed since NASCAR has discovered the reason Pontiac widened the car was to accommodate Tony Stewart’s ego.

10) Races will be shortened to 7 laps so Darrel Waltrip can finish on the lead lap on at least one of his final races.

9) There will be a 15 minute half time break so Benny Parson can get a snack … better make it a 30 minutes.

Cars with handicapped plates shall pit in specially marked blue pit stalls.

7) Depends Undergarments announced it will sponsor a car for the 2001 season. For the betterment of the sport, NASCAR forbids Dick Trickle to be named the driver.

6) To ward off an approaching sexual discrimination lawsuit, NASCAR mandates at least one member of each sexuality will be represented on each team … Male, Female and Kenny Irwin.

5) Top speed is out! The cars starting positions will depend on how pretty the car is. If it’s ugly they will vote on who gets provisionals, the ugliest car goes home.

4) To save the Inspectors time, Jeremy Mayfield’s car will automatically fail inspection each week and the team will be fined $25,000.

3) Mike Skinner will start backwards so when he spins he will be facing the right direction.

2) The winner of a race will be determined by who picked the winner in NASCAR ROCKS … if no one picked a winner, straws will be drawn … the straw draw also holds true for second on back.

1) Because of Political Correctness, no discrimination against the handicapped will be permitted. This shall be called the Kenny Irwin Rule.

(2 votes, average: 3 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Health, Beauty, Lingerie, Sex Advice

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp.  He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!

The genie said, “OK.  You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes.  So you can forget about getting three wishes.  You only get one wish.

The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile.  Then he said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick.   Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?”

The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible!  Think of the logistics of that!   How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?  Think of how much concrete… how much steel…!  No. Think of another wish.”

The man tried to think of another wish.  Finally, he said, “I’ve been married and divorced several times.  My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive.  So I wish that I could understand women… know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment…know why they’re crying…know what they really want when they say, ‘Nothing’…know how to make them truly happy….”

The genie said, “You want that bridge two lanes or four?”

(3 votes, average: 3.67 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Sports Obsessed

There once were two best friends named Bob and Earl. They were two of the biggest baseball fans in America. Their entire adult lives revolved around baseball. Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they examined every box score during the season. They went to over 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.

One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching a Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died a happy man.

A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob’s voice from beyond.

“Bob is that you?” Earl asked.

“Of course it me,” Bob replied.

“This is unbelievable!” Earl exclaimed, “So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?”

“Well, I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?”

“Tell me the good news first.”

“Well, the good news is that there is baseball in heaven, Earl.”

“Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?”

“You’re pitching tomorrow night.”

(3 votes, average: 4.67 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Health, Beauty, Lingerie, Sex Advice

Once there were twin brothers by the name of John and Joe Jones. John Jones was had been married until recently, and Joe Jones had always been single. The single brother Joe was the owner of an old dilapidated row boat he loved. It happened that both John and Joe lost the love of their life one fateful day. John Jone’s wife died then the same day that Joe’s rowboat filled with water and sank.

A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe, (The boat owner who had already gotten over his loss and bought a new boat) mistook him for John said; “Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible”.

Joe smiled, not realizing she was talking about John’s wife and said, “Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn’t so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle!”

(4 votes, average: 4.75 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Sports Obsessed

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and “splash” they’re all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where upon the head starts coughing and sputtering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: “Three years I’ve spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!”

(4 votes, average: 4.5 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Health, Beauty, Lingerie, Sex Advice

This recovering alcoholic is down town to pick up his income tax return. He passes by a bar and turns to go inside. He stops and thinks to himself “If I go in here and get drunk, my wife will leave me”. He makes a promise to himself to only have a couple beers and then leave. Well he goes in and gets wasted. As he sits at the bar, he pukes down the front of his shirt. Immediately he breaks out into tears sobbing “My wife is going to leave me. I’m just a miserable old drunk and now I’m going to die alone”. The guy sitting next to him turns and says to the drunk guy “It’s not that bad. You can get out of this.” The drunk looks at him and asks how in the world is he going to get out of this? The guy says “Take a $5 bill and put it in your shirt pocket. When you get home, tell her you had a couple beers and a guy puked on you.

Tell her that the $5 was given to you to pay for the shirt.” The drunk guy looks disbelievingly at him and says “That just might work. You are a saint. Thank you.” The drunk guys goes straight home. When he walks through the front door, his wife is waiting for him and she is irate. She takes one look at him and screams “I can’t believe it. You’re drunk. I warned you but you just don’t care. I’m moving out.” The drunk says “Stop honey. Let me explain. True I did have a couple beers but I’m not drunk.” She says ” Look at you… you puked down the front of your shirt.” He says “I didn’t do this. A drunk guy next to me puked on me. He put a $5 bill in my shirt pocket to pay for the shirt. You can see for yourself” She reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money. She looks at it, then to him and says “This is a $10 bill” He looks at her and says “Oh I forgot. He shit my pants too”.

(6 votes, average: 3 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Funny Home Videos

How Dogs and Man are the Same

Both take up too much space on the bed
Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning
Both are threatened by their own kind
Both mark their territory
Both are bad at asking you questions
Neither tells you what is bothering them
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous
Neither does dishes
Neither of them notice when you get your hair done
Both like dominance games
Both are suspicious of the postman
Neither know how to talk on the phone
Neither understands what you see in cats

How Dogs are Better Than Man

Dogs do not have a problem expressing affection in public
Dogs miss you when you are gone
Dogs feel guilty when they have done something wrong
Dogs don’t criticize your friends
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out
Dogs don’t play games with you - except fetch (and they never laugh at the way you throw)
Dogs don’t feel threatened by your intelligence
You can train a dog
Dogs are easy to buy for
You are never suspicious of a dog’s dreams
Dogs understand what NO means
Dogs understand if some of their friends can’t come inside
Middle aged dogs don’t feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner
Dogs admit it when they’re lost
Dogs are color blind
Dogs aren’t threatened if you earn more money than they do
Dogs mean it when they kiss you

Where Men are Better Than Dogs

Men only have two feet that track in mud
Men can buy you presents
Men don’t have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block
Men are a little bit more subtle
Men don’t hike their leg to pee on every post they pass
Men don’t eat turds on the sly
Dogs have dog breath all the time
Men can do math
Men don’t shed as much, and if they do, they hide it

(5 votes, average: 2.2 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Funny Home Videos

A man tried to sell his neighbor a new dog.

“This is a talking dog,” he said. “And you can have him for five dollars.”

The neighbor said, “Who do you think you’re kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain’t no such animal!”

Suddenly the dog looked up with tears in his eyes.

“Please buy me, sir,” he pleaded. “This man is cruel. He never buys me a meal, never bathes me, never takes me for a walk and I used to be the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. I was in the army and was decorated ten times.”

“Hey!” said the neighbor. “He can talk. Why do you want to sell him for just five dollars?”

“Because,” said the seller, “I’m getting tired of all his lies!”

(2 votes, average: 3 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Funny Home Videos

The blondes at the university led by Suzy , were tired of not fitting in. They were tired of other students assuming they were just stupid bimbo’s. They wanted somewhere where they felt they belonged.

So Suzy pressured the administration to set up a new Department especially for them. The university agreed and set up the Blonde Education Department.

Suzy and the blondes were ecstatic to have a department of their own where they could gather without being ridiculed. They felt they really belonged now. They wanted other students to see that they weren’t just stupid bimbo’s — after all, they now had their own department at the university.

So they now all proudly wear the official sweatshirt of the Blonde Education Department designed by Suzy which sports the saying: “I Belong in B.E.D.”

(10 votes, average: 5 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Funny Home Videos

A local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job.

After a series of questions that the blonde failed, the sheriff asked in desperation one final question:

“Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?”

The blonde looked a little surprised, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted:

“I don’t know!”

“Well, why don’t you go home and work on that one for a while?”

So, the blonde wandered over to a restaurant where some friends were waiting to hear the results of the interview.

The blonde couldn’t be happier.

“It’s my first day on the job, and it went great.”

“I’m already working on a murder case!”

(6 votes, average: 4.33 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Funny Home Videos

Four men, an Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist and a Government Worker were bragging about how smart their dogs were.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog and said, “T-Square, do your stuff.”

T- square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, “Slide Rule, do your stuff.”

Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, “Measure, do your stuff.”

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, “What can your dog do?”

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, “Coffee Break, do your stuff.”

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, molested the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker’s Compensation and went home on sick leave.

(6 votes, average: 3.5 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Funny Home Videos

Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl.

The first man said, “I think it’s WOOMB.” The second replied, “No, it must be WOOOOMBH.” The third said, “You both have it wrong — it’s WOOM.” The fourth stated, “No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB.”

At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said, “Look, you hayseeds, it’s WOMB. That’s it, that’s all there is to it.” Then she left.

Eventually, one of the farmers broke the silence by saying, “Well, I don’t know. A slip of a girl like that, I don’t see how she could know. I’ll bet she’s never even heard an elephant fart!”

(6 votes, average: 3.83 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Funny Home Videos

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”

“HellOOOOOOO,” answered the blonde. “They’re watch dogs!”

(8 votes, average: 4.5 out of 5)

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Joke Sponsored by Funny Home Videos

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with expensive double panel energy-efficient kind.

This week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for the window replacement.

Boy oh boy, did we go around!

Just because I’m blonde doesn’t mean that I am automatically stupid.

I proceeded to tell him that his fast talking sales manager had told me at the time of installation that in one year the windows would pay for themselves.

There was silence on the other end of the line so I just hung up and I haven’t heard from him since.

Guess I won that argument.

(6 votes, average: 3 out of 5)

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